and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
