yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
