So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
