I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize