why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Fuck appropriateness.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
