My Higher Power is John Stamos
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
