sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
