you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
