Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I am available for nakedness
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize