Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Randomize
