Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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