If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
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