i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize