Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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