there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm too high and old for this...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
