We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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