i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
