So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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