I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
