Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
