He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
