I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize