if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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