I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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