I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
