She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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