afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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