Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
