you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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