I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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