She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
