Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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