Screwed.edu
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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