This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
