I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
