someone get that fucking seahorse.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Boobs are out for the taking
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
