I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize