Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Enjoy the penises
Randomize