I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
