As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
