my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
