I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
