my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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