I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
