ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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