the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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