I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
