I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I hate all girls vehemently.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
