Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
