I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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