My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
