the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He kissed a someone with a penis
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
