I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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