i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
