so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
